I Suck At This

So apparently, I suck at keeping up with posts 😂 I can’t believe it’s already been 2 months since I last wrote. And the last post was really depressing, sorry about that! I was in a really dark spot. I’m doing so much better though. For now.

So much has happened in the 2 months. Little Jay turned the big ONE on May 5th. I still can’t believe he’s already a year old. It went by way too fast. Before I know it, he’ll be in school 😦 I don’t know how I will handle that! It makes me sadder just thinking about it.

Another reason I haven’t been writing is I putting alot of time into World of Warcraft and other games. I’m currently taking a hiatus from it because I got burnt out and there’s more important things to deal with. Also, I’ve been putting more time into Heroes of the Storm and Stardew Valley after Jay goes to bed. They’re easier to keep ontop of and I don’t feel like I’m far behind compared to World of Warcraft. I just can’t keep up with it anymore as much as I do enjoy playing.

But I don’t know if anyone noticed, but I did remodel the site a little bit. I made a twitter banner last night and decided it would look good on here too. I’m also going to try to work on getting some more pages going. So keep an eye out for that!



I Feel Sick



I’m trying to not let myself succumb to the darkness, but it’s so hard. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The only thing that helps me get through the day, is Jay. Although lately he’s been having separation anxiety and teething really bad so I’ve been on edge. I fear he can feel what I’m going through and he doesn’t know what to do. I feel like I’m failing him. I’m his mother and he needs me. But what do you do when your friends have turned their backs or tell me “it’ll be okay.” Will it? Will it be okay when you have lost 3 close friendships this month alone due to being accused of doing things you either can’t control or don’t even remember doing? Or how about people who don’t even know you, attacking you for just feeling. Having a shitty birthday and all you do is lay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself. Will it still be okay? I’m not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. But I also won’t give up…


Brushing the Dust Off

Well, hello everyone. Long time no talk to  (as if people actually read this. But if you do, hello!)

Sorry it’s been quite a while since I’ve written. So much crap has happened that I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been in such a depressive state that it’s actually taking a toll on myself and those around me. I’ve lost 3 friendships this week alone and I don’t feel great about it. But what’s done is done I suppose. Not really sure I want to talk about it.

Although lately it seems people have been showing their true colors left and right. And of course, I’m the one to be blamed because I don’t realize I’ve done something until it’s too late. Or I’m made to feel like shit because I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, and whatever else I can throw into the mix. I hate to call myself a victim though because of how much I’ve gone through in just the last 10 years alone. And when I mean alone, I was truly alone in dealing with everything. So I guess I got used to that and can never reach out to people. Like I literally feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming and no one looks up. Sadly the only person I can trust in this world is my son and he can’t even talk yet. It also has made me scared to become friends with people because I’m always screwed over in the end or I fuck it up without realizing it until it’s too late. But in truth, if I didn’t have Jay I would probably be in a worse state of mind and just close myself off from the world. I have his goofy self and smiles to help me through the day and he depends on me to be strong. So I’m going to be strong for him


I’m still alive, kind of.

So I know I haven’t written in about a month. I swear I didn’t think it has been that long. I feel like the last post I wrote was like a week ago. Sorry about that, this month has been crazy. 

The last time I wrote, it was about Jay being sick. Well later that night he had a fever of 102 so I call my friend to take us to the hospital. He ended up with RSV. Luckily, it wasn’t as serious as it can be. I caught it as he was getting it (super mom powers activate!) But he was still so miserable and I wanted nothing more than to take it from him. He felt better after a week or so. Didn’t need a breathing treatment or anything so I consider ourselves very lucky. 

Another reason I haven’t wrote is because I felt like I didn’t have anything to say. I’ve been in such a foul mood, everytime I came on here to write I would just stare at a blank screen. Finally I would just say fuck it and do something else telling myself I’ll just write the next day. Well here I am weeks later finally having something to say I guess. I’ve also been a real hermit not wanting to go out to do anything. All I want to do is be home with my son and play video games. Which I have been doing and having fun doing it with great friends. Something that I’ve been doing also is trying to turn us into a Twitch group and stream our funny nights in WoW or whatever we’re playing at the time. I have a group Twitch made but we still have some work to do. I’m really hoping it works out because I think it would be really awesome. It’s always been a dream of mine to get paid doing the things I love doing and since I’m not getting paid to be a mom, what the hell? When it’s officially up and running, I’ll link it. But for now it is a work in progress :). Also, I’ve been looking around to getting a domain for this blog. As much as I love WordPress, I want something bigger. I would love to make this blog into possibly a part time job where I can bring a little money in. Sure it’s going to take some time but a little motivation and smacking myself upside the head to not be lazy is worth it. I did it after highschool for years and loved it. I was also big into computer graphics and I can’t even remember the last time I used Adobe Photoshop. Since I got a printer and scanner combo for christmas (thanks mom!) I might as well use it for something. I realize I’m turning 30 in a couple months and I really need to just start doing something with my life. I guess it’s never too late to start. I want my son to be proud of me and to know he can do anything he wants if he puts his mind to it. While it’s scary to think I’ve wasted my 20s, I want to make my 30s so much better. For myself and for little Jay. Because he deserves that. I deserve that too. So here’s to looking at 2017 with hope that I can achieve what I want to do with my life. 



Is Time in Fast Forward?

Seriously, whoever sat on the remote and pushed fast forward, fix that please! I feel like this whole month vanished and I only have a couple more days left until Christmas. I’m one of those bad parents that haven’t got their baby anything and waited last minute to get his presents. Not really, we had to wait for Chris to be paid. But God, I am dreading tomorrow. I really don’t want to be at Walmart with thousands of people doing the exact thing I am. But it’s either that or stay with his mom while he goes by himself. I’d rather fight the crowds and possibly get hit by a cart than staying with her by myself. But that’s another blog post. Maybe I’ll even put it in the about me section?…

But I am also excited to be celebrating Jay’s first Christmas. His presents (if everything goes according to plan) is as follows.

  • Baby walker – he’s crawling so I figured this would be a nice big Christmas gift.
  • Christmas Eve gift: a pair of christmas jammies, movie or a book and a teething toy. I would give him a snack but… he’s 7 months with no teeth. The most I could do is applesauce or something.
  • Stocking stuffers like teething toys, pacifiers, meshed teethers, etc.
  • A playmat for his room.
  • Something Mickey related.
  • Clothes

I know there’s not toys listed. The only reason is because he’s already had a Christmas in Virginia when we visited my mom and got enough toys to cover his whole room. Not to mention, until we get a dresser or a toy box, we just don’t have the room for toys. Teething toys are much smaller and easier to organize. Plus I’m pretty sure he has every Vtech toy known to man (not really but he does have alot of Vtech toys. He’s not spoiled at all.)

But I do want him to have a great Christmas even if he doesn’t remember it. I will. The only thing I regret is not being able to get his pictures professionally done. I did get some pictures while we were playing in his room earlier and I think they’re pretty good. I’m actually using one as a Christmas card. I can’t post it because there’s people who read this that are getting one… but here are the others. (Yes, I did edit some of them).

Not bad for a phone huh? There’s more but these are my favorite. Plus the others are either blurry, unedited or ones I just don’t want to show. But I am happy I got some type of Christmas pictures. I’m definitely getting his one year pictures done though!

Anyways, I really should be asleep so I can rest up before a long day tomorrow. If I don’t write before then, I want to wish everyone Merry Christmas!


My Mommy Senses are Tingling

Do you ever have those days or even 20161220_012836moments where it feels like you’re a supermom? The past couple of weeks I’ve felt lIke that.

While Jay is going through teething, he has been a completely different baby. Cranky, super clingy, tired, you name it. He has his first four teeth coming in at the same time and he is just so miserable. Well lately my mommy senses have been tingling. I’ve been knowing when he’s hungry or tired without even him crying. It’s more like a little voice telling me I should put him down for a nap, he’s tired, and he does! Same with being hungry. He doesn’t even have to be crying and as soon as I am coming back with a bottle, he’s fussing and reaching for it.

Also tonight he woke up and just kept crying. Before I went in the room I heard that voice telling me I should put him in my bed with me and give him a bottle. He’s out like a light. I don’t know maybe I’m just crazy but I felt like having a good mom bragging moment. I’m also new to this whole parenting thing so everything is just so exciting! But I need to get some sleep because he’ll probably still wake up early and it’s 2am.

Does your baby sleep well? What are some tricks you have to do to get yours asleep? Does your mommy senses tingle too? Let me know in the comments!



Can’t Sleep 

So it’s almost 1am and for the life of me I cannot sleep. I was getting tired sitting at the desk so I told everyone I was going to bed… but here I am unable to sleep. Chris is gone for the night to play board games at a friend’s house and baby Jay thankfully has been asleep all night. He had a good dinner of applesauce and mashed up pears at my friends Zeike and Bee’s house. We went over there to have a nachos night and Bee ended up getting sick. So I told Chris to come get us before he left. We got Burger King on the way home and then he left.

I played a few matches on Heroes of the Storm with my friend Jeremy trying to get to 25 games to get the Christmas mount. We got to 14/25 and called it quits until another day. While playing, our friend told us about how her boyfriend broke up with her pretty much because she has PTSD… that’s fucked up. I also have PTSD and when she told me I got so mad. It’s not easy living with it and it’s especially hard when you don’t have a support system for it. Luckily mine isn’t as bad as it was, but it isn’t gone either. I felt so bad for her and hope her ex gets hit by a truck  (kidding, but seriously) I just can’t believe the nerve of some people. While Chris and I have our differences and issues, I’m glad he’s there for me if I need it. He knows to leave me alone if I’m having an episode because one of us can get hurt. And I usually don’t remember them so anything I do or say, I don’t want to regret hurting someone and feeling more like shit. Ya know?

Well anyways. I better put my phone down or I’ll never get sleep. Especially with babykins sleeping and possibly waking up early. Chris has been helping the last couple of mornings with him and since he’s out tonight, I doubt he’ll still be awake. But we’ll see. Good night!