I Feel Sick



I’m trying to not let myself succumb to the darkness, but it’s so hard. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. The only thing that helps me get through the day, is Jay. Although lately he’s been having separation anxiety and teething really bad so I’ve been on edge. I fear he can feel what I’m going through and he doesn’t know what to do. I feel like I’m failing him. I’m his mother and he needs me. But what do you do when your friends have turned their backs or tell me “it’ll be okay.” Will it? Will it be okay when you have lost 3 close friendships this month alone due to being accused of doing things you either can’t control or don’t even remember doing? Or how about people who don’t even know you, attacking you for just feeling. Having a shitty birthday and all you do is lay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself. Will it still be okay? I’m not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel. But I also won’t give up…



Brushing the Dust Off

Well, hello everyone. Long time no talk to  (as if people actually read this. But if you do, hello!)

Sorry it’s been quite a while since I’ve written. So much crap has happened that I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been in such a depressive state that it’s actually taking a toll on myself and those around me. I’ve lost 3 friendships this week alone and I don’t feel great about it. But what’s done is done I suppose. Not really sure I want to talk about it.

Although lately it seems people have been showing their true colors left and right. And of course, I’m the one to be blamed because I don’t realize I’ve done something until it’s too late. Or I’m made to feel like shit because I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, and whatever else I can throw into the mix. I hate to call myself a victim though because of how much I’ve gone through in just the last 10 years alone. And when I mean alone, I was truly alone in dealing with everything. So I guess I got used to that and can never reach out to people. Like I literally feel like I’m in a crowded room screaming and no one looks up. Sadly the only person I can trust in this world is my son and he can’t even talk yet. It also has made me scared to become friends with people because I’m always screwed over in the end or I fuck it up without realizing it until it’s too late. But in truth, if I didn’t have Jay I would probably be in a worse state of mind and just close myself off from the world. I have his goofy self and smiles to help me through the day and he depends on me to be strong. So I’m going to be strong for him